Update on Boyce

The shock therapy really didn't do what we had hoped that it would. It has helped increase his appetite and he is sleeping better, but no real change in his depression. I have a hard time telling when he is depressed as he hides it so well. But he'll tell his home health nurse that it is a 6 on a 1 to 10 scale. And it just floors me. Because he doesn't seem that down. He's not crying as much as he was, but he's still saying he is that down. And then when I asked him about why I can't see it, he accused me of saying he was lying. What! Anyways, I have a hard time with that.

He is now seeing a home health nurse to monitor his blood pressure, his moods and his weight. He will be seeing an occupational therapist, a speech therapist and a social worker for the next couple of months. So, hopefully, he'll start to benefit from these people. They all have been really nice and caring people, and very thorough. So I feel comfortable for Teresa, Pam, Choya and I don't know who the speech pathologist will be to be here working with my Sweetieface.

As for me, I still stress out about money. My hours being cut back didn't help, but I feel more hopeful about things. Joanie got my medicine back started and is checking into Medicaid and Choya said there maybe a couple of programs that will help financially, so things are looking up. And I'm placing it ALL in God's hands and leaving it there. God has sustained us so far and will continue to love us and bless us.

Heart Confusion

I'll catch everybody up on Boyce in a few days. I just had to write about this to maybe clear my heart and mind about it.

Have you ever had to humble yourself? I did this week and it was hard, unbelievably hard. I was accused some time back as being 'PROUD' It took me many long hard years to feel proud of myself. but apparently it's a bad thing: to be proud. It is extremely hard for me to ask for help. any kind of help But this week, I was telling a lady that I worked with about 15 years ago and we see each other at Wal-Mart when she shops fairly often and chitchat while she's there, but not really a friend, about what a rough time we are having. I was off for 2 months taking care of Boyce while he had his shock therapy and obviously wasn't getting paid for it. I even dropped my health insurance, because I knew I wouldn't be able to pay the premiums, but when I came back to work, they dunned my check. Well, come to find out, I have to pay my premiums until the first of the year and then it drops. So I worked last week and this week for free. I was so upset, because we only had $173.00 in the bank, still have a pile of bills, and no expectation of any money coming in. So I was telling her about it. And she casually said "I have a hundred dollar bill that you can have" and I said 'No, I couldn't do that' so we hugged and I thanked her for the thought, went back to work and she went on her way. Five minutes later, she came back with tears in her eyes and said "God told me that I can't leave Wal-Mart until I give this to you. I'll just blow it and you really need it. I can't go unless you take this. So I took it and just bawled like a baby. I had to leave the store and go outside to cry. God is awesome and Robin must have been his angel that night. But it changed my spirit. humbling myself and I know God wants us to be humble, but it was so so hard. life changing really

It scares me

He is scaring me more and more. Whereas the shock treatments seem to be helping in some ways. other things are going on. Like just now he asked me where a knife was to slice a piece of cheese. I said what cheese and he said the block cheese i said we don't have any block cheese. I showed him our shredded cheese and our slices of cheese, but no block cheese. He insisted that he had just had a piece of block cheese. I said how we don't have any block cheese. He said well I did. other stuff like this happens on occasion. I am very very scared.

Shock Therapy

We are now about to enter the "Shock Zone". Next week Boyce will begin to undergo shock therapy. I know it conjures up horror movies and such. But it is still being used and is very well-controlled. I am still concerned about it as always with the fear of the unknown. It will be done on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday and I need to be with him for the rest of the day. I've heard mostly good things about it and I am going to trust in God's protection for Boyce and peace for me. Keep us in your prayers, Friends.

rough rough times

My brain feels like its going to explode. Too many feelings contained into a too small space. lots of anger right now and pity for myself, which I hate feeling, but right now there's no denying it. I feel like my life is over, just marking time till it's over. I don't see any future. just day after day of plodding with this illness and a man that is unwilling to listen to me although he counts on me for everything. everything I do is questioned- is this the correct medicine? is this the correct dosage, constant questioning of everything, even questioning of the psychiatrist's advice, Why you ask? because he totally believes the next door neighbor. I am aggravated beyond words. I almost feel like packing my husband's bags and moving him next door for Mr. Know-It-All to deal with it. I think it is a dangerous situation. I feel all is futile. I, sometimes, think of death or divorce. I am just so tired of it and it's only the beginning.

Wedding Vows

These are the vows I wanted read at our wedding, but the pastor wouldn't let us do it.

From this day on I most choose you, Boyce.
To be my husband.
To live with you and laugh with you.
To stand by your side and sleep in your arms.
To be joy to your heart and food for your soul,
To bring out the best in you always,
And, for you, to be the most that I can be.

To laugh with you in the good times,
To struggle with you in the bad,
To solace you when you are down-hearted,
To wipe your tears with my hands,
To comfort you with my body,
To mirror you with my soul,
To share with you all my riches and honors,
To play with you as much as I can
Until we grow old, and still loving
Each other sweetly and glady
Our lives shall come to an end.

His laughter

I'm sitting here listening to my sweetheart laughing. belly laughing. His friends are here and they are playing with a massager. seeing if they can massage their feet, he's ticklish and just laughing like a kid. I like to hear him laughing like that. Like there's nothing in the world wrong. Nice!

my mind is spinning

I can't seem to be able to hold onto a thought for a single second. My brain spins all of the time, no wonder I'm having major sleep problems. not necessarily worry about Boyce and the Alzheimer's, just rethinking my life as if I can do anything about the past. thinking the future as if I can do a whole lot about that. I AM finally at peace about the suck job. I've been offered another job, but it would be the same amount of hours but getting more then $2 less an hour, and I've concluded I just can't do that. I'm better off to stay at this job until the time I have to quit to take care of Sweetie. I will have to cancel my health insurance in November, but that can't be helped. I need that $140 a month for other bills. I will be checking into Medicare and Medicaid as a caregiver that would help alot, but I'm not for sure it's possible. We'll see.

Rough Night

It's been a rough couple of days, not so much stuff happening as my mind is out of control. I'm worrying obsessively and I can't seem to get it under control. worrying about money, worrying about any little change in Boyce drives me insane and panicky. I can't seem to calm my mind down much to be able to get to sleep, but once I get to sleep I can sleep pretty well. I'm going through periods of sleep deprivation again. And that really messes with my attitude and my ability to stay in my calm zone. I'm hoping I can go to sleep in a few minutes and be able to take a mini-vacation away from my worries and enjoy Dreamland.

The Sweetest Thing

The song for my husband is Juice Newton's 'The Sweetest Thing I've Ever Known'

When I see you in the morning with the sleep still in your eyes,
I remember all the laughter and the tears we shared last night.
And as we lie hee, just two shadows in the light before dawn,
The sweetest thing I've ever known is loving you.

And I have never been afraid of losing now.
And I have never wanted love to be a chain.
I only know that when I'm with you , you're my sunshine, you're my rain
The sweetest thing I've ever known is loving you.
The sweetest thing I've ever known is loving you.

Finally a day off

I worked till 11 last night and I was too tired to be able to go to sleep easily. I didn't want to take any sleeping pills, but I should have. I tossed and turned until aroun 3 and then Sweetie woke me up about 7:30 and I wasn't ready, but got up anyhow. He fixes me waffles every morning and is so sweet. How can I resist that? Well, I can't. So I laid back down and slept till about 10:30. Took him to exercise and went to get some milk and bread, thinking I was broke. Came home and updated the checkbook and found some grocery money, so off we went to Wallyworld. Got caught in a bad storm coming home. We found out later that a lady about 3 blocks away got hit by lightning. Yikes!! Started supper and ruined it and had to start over, but ended up with an awesome dinner. That sucked, but sometimes I try to do too much multi-tasking. Note to self: slow down and THINK.

Through the Glass Darkly

The reason I chose 'Through the Glass Darkly' is because of a verse in the Bible that I love. Years ago I heard a sermon on this verse and it became very clear to me the meaning of this/

The verse is I Corinthians 13:12--For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.

The pastor explained that what we don't know or understand on earth, in Heaven face to face with God, we will have all of the understanding and knowledge for the things that have happened here on earth. And there are so many things I want to know. So many whys and wherefores of things that have happened not only to me and my family, but also things that have happened in the world, such as wars and oil spills and tragedies of all sorts. of why we must go through the horrors that we must go through.

A better day

not so down this morning it's a minute to minute fight to stay on top I usually do pretty good, but on occasion I feel like I'm being sucked down the toilet. I hate it when that happens. I'm usually pretty good at hiding my despair and I like it that way. It's not that I can't talk about it. It's just that I don't feel anybody really understands or cares. You know how you ask someone 'How are you doing?' but you don't really listen to the answer. And also alot of times people just don't know what to say or do to make it better. And I so understand that because I have a hard time knowing what to say or do when someone is having a hard time. I feel helpless. and awkward.

First Day

This is a spot for me to ramble on about life and this horrible disease that is taking my sweet Boyce away from me second by second. Alzheimer's Disease-how can it be that this vibrant, brilliantly funny and caring man has this awful disease. It is unreal, our lives spinning out of control and we're only in the so-called early stages. Unbelievable! Unacceptable! Surreal!